My Reasons
by smm
Summary: After years of service Roy finally asks Hawkeye why she’s still with him, and he gets a surprising answer. (Royai)COMPLETED.
1. Why?

My Reasons

Summery: After years of service Roy finally asks Hawkeye why she's still with him, and he gets a surprising answer. (Royai)

Author's note: Based solely on the manga b/c I haven't seen the entire FMA anime. Lots of spoilers to the manga, specifically chapters 37-40. Feel free to flame me, considering this is my first FMA fic…but please no "ED AND ROY SHOULD BE TOGETHER OMG THEY'RE PERFECT!1!11" cause frankly I don't care. If you do want to flame/criticize this fic, I say "go ahead". I like to hear comments on how it can be made better. This fic is primary RoyxRiza. Please enjoy…and hopefully review :) 

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

"Why do you stay?" he asked her. Riza's heart jumped. She hadn't known he'd woken up. The hospital room was quiet and she couldn't help but feel a bit unnerved as his question broke the silence around them. She'd anticipated this moment for years and for years it'd never come. It had been so long she was surprised that he finally brought it up, now of all times.

After a moment of silence Roy assumed that she hadn't heard him and he asked again, "Why do you stay?" His voice was dry and the pain medication's flavor still sat on his tongue.

"Because there needs to be someone here all the time. We can't risk those…things coming after you to finish what they started." She was playing dumb. She knew that what he was really asking was 'Why did she stay with him when she could be assigned anywhere.' She'd known the question was coming for years and she'd practiced what to say…but somehow, she couldn't bring herself to explain. It was too painful, she didn't want to re-live bad memories…she'd rather just play dumb and hope he'd drop the subject. He didn't.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it." Roy said. His Lieutenant didn't look at him…she just sat in the chair next his bed and stared at her hands. The room enveloped itself in complete silence. The lonely hospital room now felt much lonelier than his last one. The last one he'd shared with his second lieutenant, Havoc, but Roy had been moved to a separate part of the hospital to allow for the doctors to treat his wounds more effectively. There was no other patient in this room…no company, save his first lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. Moments passed and Hawkeye still didn't offer any answer to his question. "Why do you stay…with me?"

Hawkeye sighed audibly, "I have my reasons." This answer frustrated Mustang. She'd always been so secretive as to her intentions. She never freely offered information about herself unless he pried…it was one of the things that really annoyed him about her. _'I wish, just once that she'd actually tell me something…'_ They'd been side by side for almost ten years…since the middle of the Ishbal war, and he still didn't know her reasons for standing by him…protecting him. He'd thought about it a lot over the years, but he'd never really dwelled on it…until now. After he'd been injured there was nothing to do other than sit in the hospital bed and think. No matter what he thought of his thoughts always wandered back to her. Roy had come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she'd possibly stay, but none of them added up to a reasonable explanation to her reasoning…and Hawkeye was the most reasonable person he'd ever known. He knew that she couldn't possibly be staying with him in hopes of being promoted…that was the most ridiculous reason for anyone to stay with him. If she'd only been in the military to be promoted she would have already had a hundred chances for that, and none of those chances would have allowed for her to stay with him. Another stupid theory as to why she stayed was because she was in love with him… not only was that one ridiculous…it was painful as well. Why would she want to stay with someone she knew full well she couldn't get involved with? The military forbid any sort of romantic relationship with each other. Roy knew all too well how painful it was to be so close to someone, but never be allowed to act on those emotions…he went through it every day. He'd often thought that maybe if he could get her reassigned then maybe he wouldn't think about her…but he knew that it wouldn't be possible, she'd been with him too long, and even if it did hurt him to be around her and never express his feelings, she was still too good of a soldier to let go. He needed supporters to get his way to the top, and letting one of them go could easily send his dreams of Furher straight to the gutters.

So he was back to square one. _'I have my reasons'_, she'd said. Well Roy was tired of trying to come up with her reasons…he was going to get a straight answer if it killed him…and knowing his lieutenant's accuracy with a gun that was more than just a possibility.

"Lieutenant, I know you have your reasons, but I also know that you can't be here because you just want to climb the ranks. You and I both know that you could have easily been a colonel yourself by this time if you hadn't stayed with me. There has to be some logical reason to this illogical reasoning." He said still attempting to get a real answer out of her. He'd intentionally left out his reasoning about her being in love with him _'No point in making us both feel uncomfortable with our situations'_ he thought sadly…A small part of him really wished that love really was the reason she stayed with him…not that either would be able to act on their feelings…_'but it would still be nice to know I'm not the only one that is feeling something.'_

She stared at her hands. She'd been doing that a lot lately…in fact Roy couldn't remember the last time she'd really looked at him since he'd gotten hurt. _'She didn't even look at me when I yelled at her…' _ He regretted doing that now, but he couldn't help it. He'd heard the woman…that homunculus…taunting Hawkeye…he'd heard her say that "this woman doesn't want to keep living" as he'd stumbled down the hallway toward the sounds of their voices. He'd been sure that the homunculus had already killed his subordinate and he'd barely been able to contain himself…his friend…someone he loved had been killed and he wasn't about to allow this…thing to kill others. It was only after he'd finally killed the homunculus once and for all that he'd felt someone's warm arms wrap around him. It was the perfect blessing to open his eyes and see her holding him. He'd dreamt countless times of waking up in her arms…but not quite like that.

Later he'd yelled at her, screamed at her for giving up…it wasn't that he was so angry at her…but more at himself. He hated to think that if he hadn't been there, she would have just _allowed_ herself to die…He still couldn't help but wonder why she would have just given up after she was told he was dead…he couldn't be that important to her…could he?

Suddenly she looked up at him…directly at him. She dreaded telling him the reasons behind her actions, but she couldn't avoid his questions any longer. "Sir, do you really want to know?"

He nodded matter of factly, "Yes."

"Well it's a long story—"

"We have the time." He finished.

She sighed…she really was going to have to tell him.


	2. Rushing Memories

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Chapter 2 – Rushing Memories

She began rushing through her story with as little detail as she could…_'the less time with the memories, the better'_ she thought as she started into her story. "I was 17 when the Ishbal war started…I wasn't quite old enough to enlist, but my father pulled some strings. I've been firing a gun since I was seven and after my father told them I could shoot a hole in a deer's skull from a thousand feet away, they were practically begging me to join. I finished training in two weeks, half the time of most of the trainees and I'd already been told I was the youngest and best sniper in the history of the military. Naturally the Furher was immediately interested. I was thrown straight into the middle of the war. My assignment came straight from the Furher himself. I was to stand on the top of a building of his choosing and shoot down anyone that wasn't wearing a military uniform. I hadn't realized at first that he also meant women and children…" she continued to explain, but suddenly, she wasn't in the Colonel's hospital room anymore…she was back on the roof of the building in Ishbal. The memories kept falling from her lips, and he continued to listen.

Her memories rushed forward and she suddenly became apart of them. She couldn't stop herself as she stared down the barrel of her gun and took aim at the back of a man's head. She could feel the cold steel in her hand as she gentle pulled back the trigger. Everything happened in slow motion…she heard the hammer click back, but she never heard the shot. She was too busy seeing the 'man' turn around…it turned out it wasn't a man at all, but a child. The kid was no older than 15…he never saw it coming. Suddenly he fell to the ground, a bullet size hole in the middle of his forehead. She'd never felt such a feeling before, the feeling of taking someone else's life…it was terrifying. The back of her throat burned from the vomit that threatened to rise. Her arms and legs suddenly forgot all sense and she fell to the ground. She was in shock. 'I killed him…I, Riza Hawkeye, killed a man.' She thought, the realization began to sink in. 'No, not a man…I killed a child. An innocent kid.' She gulped hard to hold back the vomit and tears. She'd killed things before, deer, geese…all animals…but it was so different killing a human…it wasn't even an honorable death. She'd shot him when his back was turned…it was only by accident that the hole ended up in his forehead. Her gun lay on the ground beside her and she contemplated picking up and shooting herself…but she couldn't. It was a shotgun and it was too long to just hold to her head and pull the trigger…she'd have to take off her shoes and pull the trigger with her toes and she was shaking far too much to do that. Riza seemed to have lost all control of her body. Her limbs tingled painfully as she lay on the roof. Hours passed and she couldn't seem to pull herself together. This had never happened before…before this, she was the perfect little soldier. She took orders well and she did everything expected of her above the expectations. She'd tried to rationalize…_'Those were my orders…I was only following orders'_ but it didn't make it any better. Yes, she'd followed orders, but that wasn't going to bring that child back to life…nothing would.

It had been Hughes that had found her. It'd been almost 36 hours that no one had seen her and her superior officers had been afraid they'd lost their perfect little sniper on her first day. They'd sent out the orders for someone to check her whereabouts and Hughes had been the one to volunteer. Riza could remember every detail perfectly. She'd rolled to her side by the time he'd come, but she still didn't have the energy to get up. A few hours after she'd shot the child, she'd started crying and after that first night, she'd finally cried herself out of tears…but now, she was just exhausted with nowhere left to turn.

Her back was to the roof door and when she heard someone open it. She prayed it was the enemy…she hoped that they'd kill her and save her the trouble. Hughes rushed to her side immediately, afraid she'd been shot, but as soon as he rolled her over it was apparent that she was fine…with the exception of a tear stained face. He looked at her with kind eyes and brushed her hair out of her face. "You okay?"

She couldn't find her voice, she could only shake her head. "What's wrong?" he asked kindly.

"Everything." She said. "Everything is wrong! We're fighting a war because someone pulled the trigger on the wrong person and now we're trying to solve it by killing everyone! Cure the illness by killing the patient!"

He could see the hurt in her eyes. Even then Riza could see that he was different. Compassion seemed to radiate out of his body and for some reason looking up at his kind face, she felt at peace. "Why don't we get you something to eat." He said. He grabbed her hands and helped her down the stairs and back to camp. They left her gun where it was…for all Riza knew, it was still on that rooftop.


	3. Deadly Gift

My Reasons

Author's note: ...I hope Hughes isn't too badly out of character...

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Chapter 3 – Deadly Gift

When they got back to camp he immediately began feeding her. He didn't say much, but he continued to put more food on her plate. "I'm not hungry." She kept telling him, but he refused to take 'no' for an answer. After she'd eaten a good bit they sat in silence on the ground. Riza just didn't have the will to get up and she believed that Hughes didn't get up because he wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to do something stupid.

Eventually when everyone around them went to bed and they were the only two left in sight, he said something. "Why did you join the military?"

She thought for a moment. Why _did_ she join the military? She'd never really been fond of killing, even animals, the only reason she was such a good shot was because her father had made her practice on cans behind their house. When she'd finished her schooling, a year ahead of schedule, she really didn't have a plan. She was a crack shot, and smart…but she wasn't really interested in anything in particular. If she did something, it was because her parents had advised it. It'd been that way most of her life, taking orders from other people. "I guess I joined because my parents wanted me too. They knew that the military paid well—"

"What do _you_ want?" Hughes interrupted.

She thought for a moment…all she wanted right then was to bring that boy back to life…but there wasn't a way to do that. "I guess I want to leave the military…"

"You _guess_? You don't know? Why are you here?" His questions bombarded her…it was the last question that really got her, "What is your _purpose_, Riza?"

She was stunned…what was her purpose? "I—I don't know sir."

Hughes leaned back. "People need a purpose in their life, Riza. It gives us a direction…it gives us a reason to live—to keep on living even after we've done things we regret. Tell me, if you leave the military, what are you going to do?"

"I haven't thought about it sir." She replied…it seemed that she hadn't thought about a lot of things.

"Riza, you were given a gift, the ability to be amazingly deadly with a gun—"

"That's no gift." She interrupted.

"_It is_. You just can't see it yet."

"How can something so horrible be a gift?" she asked in desperation.

"I'll show you." He said as he got up. "Follow me." She rose from her position on the ground and followed him without question. He walked toward a campfire and a set of tents. Voices could be heard. Hughes stayed within the shadows but got close enough to the scene to be able to see all of the people present. He motioned her to stand next to him. Around a fire sat two men. On that was extremely muscular and bald. The other was substantially smaller than his companion and he had raven hair the fell into his eyes. The larger one seemed to be saying something about the war not being right. The smaller man didn't say anything; he just continued to stare blankly into the fire. Suddenly the larger one got up and went into a tent. The other didn't seem to notice at all, he just continued to stare into the flames. The smaller person really couldn't be considered a 'man' he really didn't look much older than she was…she found out later that he was only two years older than she was.

Hughes pointed to the black haired youth and said in a quiet voice, "Do you see that man?" Riza nodded in the darkness. "That man is Roy Mustang. He's going to change things." He said. "Not just for the military, but for the country. He has a purpose."

She looked at Hughes in the shadows, "But what does this have to do with me? My shot would be just as deadly if I have a purpose or not. It's still a curse…not a gift."

"But it _can_ be!" He said grasping her shoulders urgently, never raising his voice above a whisper. His hands gripped her arms sternly. "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to protect him…he's important. He's going to change things. With your shot, you can protect him from anyone." He slowly released her shoulders. She was beginning to see what he meant. "Riza, you were given a gift…not just to kill, but to protect. And the most important thing you can do with that gift is protect Mustang."

Riza could see his point, but in protecting she would still be killing and she wasn't sure she could stand to kill another innocent person. She turned her face away from his gaze.

"I know you want to give up…but give the military one more chance." He said putting his hand on her shoulder. "I can pull some strings and get you assigned to his squad. If you still want to quit in a month, I'll sign your resignation papers myself."

"Why does he need me?" she asked. "If he's so important he should have tons of supporters."

"He has supporters. What he needs is someone to keep him in line. He can be reckless and tends to put the needs of others above his own. He needs someone to remind to him to take care of himself, as well as others." Hughes said.

Riza remained doubtful, but she had nowhere else to go…besides, with Hughes' plan, she had a month to figure out where to go after she quit…it would give her time to think. When she didn't respond, Hughes prompted her, "So, what do you say?"

She looked at him uncertainly, and forced herself to say, "All right, I'm in."

Hughes just smiled.


	4. Jerk

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Chapter 4 - Jerk

The next day Hughes spent the entire morning going over Riza's new assignment. "Hawkeye…just to warn you, Roy may seem to be a little…um…cold at first."

"What do you mean exactly by 'cold'?" She asked.

"Well see…he can come off a little…shallow sometimes. Sort of like he doesn't care about others…" Hughes said, obviously trying to keep it from sounding as bad as it did. "But I promise his bark is worse than his bite so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself."

"I don't know about this…you say he's going to change things, but he's a shallow, cold, jerk?" Hawkeye asked dubiously.

"Did I say 'jerk'?"

"No, I added that, but from the sound of things I can't imagine he _wouldn't _be a jerk."

"No, no, he only comes off as a jerk. I promise…he really is a good guy…he can just be a little arrogant sometimes…"

"So he's a cold, shallow, arrogant jerk? I'm not so sure I really want this assignment." Hawkeye asked, starting to regret to decision to protect this man.

"No, no, that's just how he comes off. It's really just a mask. On the inside, I promise, he's a really good guy. He really cares about other people, especially his subordinates…its just sometimes hard to see." He said giving her a wink to assure her. "Don't worry, in two day's he'll have won you over and you'd be ready to die for him."

_'Goody'_ Hawkeye thought sarcastically, _'I'm supposed to protect a cold, shallow, arrogant jerk that eventually I'll want to die for…somehow, I just don't believe Hughes…'_

He continued to fill her in on Roy's personality and standing, "Mustang is an alchemist, the flame alchemist to be specific. So his current standing is major." She nodded and he continued. "Follow his orders, but if he gives you an order that could possibly endanger him, ignore it. Your one and only task is to protect him. You won't have to kill anyone unless they try to injure him." She nodded again. Hughes last order began to put her rolling stomach at ease. She'd been afraid that she'd have to kill another innocent person…and she wasn't sure she could handle that. "Riza," he continued, "I'm giving you a purpose, please give this job a chance…for Mustang's sake."

Hawkeye could see how much this man cared for Mustang, "You're his friend aren't you?"

Hughes nodded, "His best. I'd do anything for him, and he'd do anything for me…I've known him for many years Hawkeye…he's going to change things for this country, I can feel it." They had been walking toward Mustang's camp as they were talking and they were almost within earshot when Hughes stopped. "Oh Hawkeye…do me one last favor. Try not to mention that I transferred you to protect him…if he asks what your assignment is, you can tell its to protect him…but please don't tell him it was me. He hates it when I play mother hen to him, and I wouldn't want him trying to get you transferred somewhere else in spite of me."

Hawkeye nodded, "I promise." Hughes flashed her a handsome smile, "Go get 'em. I'll see you in a month." He said as he turned and started to walk away.

"Wait!" She called after him, "What am I supposed to say to him?"

He called back over his shoulder, "Whatever you want!"


	5. Unanswered

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Chapter 5 – Unanswered

Mustang sat quietly throughout Hawkeye's monologue, she was speaking like she was in a trance and he was partly afraid if he interrupted her she'd never tell him anything again. He didn't even interrupt her when she started talking about how she originally thought he was a jerk…she seemed to have forgotten that he was even in the room…her eyes looked as if _she_ wasn't even in the room anymore…like her mind was somewhere else. This was a side of Riza Hawkeye he'd never seen. This was the first time she'd ever said anything about the war in Ishbal… and it was the first time she'd ever really revealed anything intimate about herself. He was surprised how little he knew about her. He'd asked a few times before, but when she gave him the run-a-round he gave up and tried not to pry…_'Its for the best.'_ He often thought, _'The more I know about her the more likely I'll fall for her even more…if she wants to keep me at arms length…its probably for the best.'_

Mustang felt an old tightness in his throat as when she started talking about Hughes. Hearing her talk about Hughes brought back so many memories for him…the way Maes smiled, his way of talking, that way of seeming to have his hand in everything... _'I never knew how much of a hand Hughes had in giving me Riza…maybe he wasn't kidding when he said he said he was going to get me to settle down…'_

As Riza came up to the part in her story when she was finally reassigned to Mustang's squad, she jolted herself out of her trance. It was a good thing too…the entire story was hard to repeat for her, it had so many emotional ties to it, especially when it came to meeting Roy for the first time.

The first time she'd met him, she'd thought he was handsome, but of course, anyone with eyes could see that…but there was something else about him too. There was a spark there that she'd never expected. Riza wanted to end her explanation there, but looking into his onyx eyes she felt compelled to continue.

"Hughes told me that you'd win me over within two days, but he was wrong." She said. Roy looked at her inquisitively. "It only took two hours." When he didn't say anything she continued. "It was right after lunch…you went out on rounds with Kimbly. You'd told me to stay behind, but I ignored the order and followed you." A look of surprise flashed over Roy's features…he remembered what had happened next. "It wasn't long before you two found an Ishbalan…a little girl. Her leg was bleeding severely…I suppose she got caught in one of the explosions. I watched from behind some fallen debris. I heard Kimbly ask you if you minded if he got to kill the kid this time…it was right then that the girl's mother ran out from behind one of the buildings. Kimbly was ready to kill them both, but you stopped him. You told him that you hadn't killed anyone all day, and you were itching to incinerate someone." She paused as she watched his reaction. He didn't say anything, he was incased in the memory. "You shooed Kimbly away from them and back to camp…I thought for sure that you were going to incinerate them right there, and to tell you the truth, I started to get up to stop you—but then, you did something I didn't expect. You helped the woman pick up her child and you gave her directions on how to get to medical aid…you saved that child's life…That was when I really believed Hughes…it was that moment in time that makes me willing to go to hell and back for you…"

He was speechless. He had never told anyone about the little girl…not even Hughes. As he thought about her story, he realized that she really hadn't answered his question. He'd asked why she stayed but she never really specified 'why'. She'd told him that she'd been ordered to protect him, which explained how she got to be there…and she told him that his act of compassion had won her over, which explained why she didn't quit…but neither told him the reason she'd stayed this long. He looked at her, "So are you staying to protect me because you were ordered to…or because of my little act of kindness?"

Hawkeye rose from her chair. "Neither." She said as she turned toward the door.

"You didn't answer my question." He persisted.

Riza lowered her head, she refused to look back at her commanding officer, it was too painful. "You won't get an answer, sir." She started to walk out the door.

"Lieutenant." He said, trying to call her back.

She stopped once more, "Sir, I'd be willing to give you anything, but please…let me keep this reason to myself."

"Riza…" he started, but she was already gone.

Just outside the door Riza leaned against the wall, her head in her hands. _'How do you tell someone you've known forever that you love them? How do you tell someone you're _supposed_ to keep at arm's length that you go too close?'_

"What did I expect?" she heard Roy's voice say from inside the room. "Was I really stupid enough to hope that she was going to tell me that she loves me too?"

* * *

Well that's it. Yup, I'm leaving on a cliff. I hope you all had fun and enjoyed reading. Please comment/flame/whatever...it really makes my day :) 


	6. Churning Stomach

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Author's Note: Wow…no flames. To tell you the truth I've never been so blown away. I got like 10 reviews in one day. To be honest, I really considered just leaving the story at chapter 5 and never touching it again, but because so many people wanted me to finish I had to agree it just didn't feel…done. Well here's another chapter. The story isn't quite "done", but it's getting there. Just to warn you, this chapter is intense, in fact I think it's one of the most intense chapters I've ever written for any of my stories…including my final chapter in "More than Existing" (which I'm sure none of you have read because its an X-Men: Evolution fan fic, which isn't anime). Speaking of other fan fics, because of the high response to this one I've decided to post the other fan fic I'm writing as well. It'll be entitled "Fever", but I won't be posting it until it's finished. Of course it's another Royai one, but it's more fluffy and sweet than this is. Okay, on with the chapter…

Chapter 6 – Churning Stomach

Riza swallowed hard and refocused her emotions. She refused to let her little show and tell with the Colonel get to her. Those old memories had haunted her for a long time…there were many nights she woke up in a cold sweat with the young Ishbalan boy's face in her mind. Now revisiting those memories had only gotten worse since Hughes' death. If it hadn't been for Hughes all those years ago she would have quit…_'I might not have just quit the army'_ she thought morbidly as she recalled how she had wanted to put a bullet in her own head that day. Quitting life had seemed such an easy way out back then…until a few weeks ago Riza would have never expected to feel like she could just give up that easily again…that is until she'd heard that woman—that thing say that she'd killed Mustang already. That moment in time had shattered every rational thought Riza had ever had. Suddenly nothing mattered. The world had been ripped out from under her feet and sent through a shredder. Riza had never felt such pain before. Not even when she'd killed the Ishbalan boy…not even when she'd been shot that one time…suddenly there was only pain…all other emotions, feelings had been scratched out of her body and left her heart raw and bleeding. Just reliving the moment made Riza's heart clench in fear…the fear of losing him again was so strong she had to swallow to keep her tears and stomach in line. She let her body slowly slide against the wall until she found herself sitting on the floor. She felt guilty for what had happened in the 3rd Laboratory…that was the real reason she'd been unable to look at him when she was standing guard…she felt responsible…she had done this. When they were in that laboratory she had been the one that suggested that they split up…_'I should have been there. My only purpose is to protect him…and I failed. I failed miserably' Hughes'_ words echoed in her head '_People need a purpose in their life, Riza. It gives us a direction…it gives us a reason to live—to keep on living even after we've done things we regret.'_ The words allowed her to begin breathing normally…her purpose was still here, and while she did something she could never take back…she still had a reason to continue on. Her breathing had leveled out, but her stomach was still raging…naturally she thought it was because of emotions…those fearful feelings of losing Mustang forever…she couldn't have been more wrong. '_I'm being stupid_.' She thought, scolding herself. '_Old memories shouldn't affect me this much…_' but they were...they were affecting her more than she realized. Her whole body felt taxed…as if she hadn't slept in years. In reality she hadn't slept or ate anything in two days…she'd refused to leave his side while they were moving him to his new room and her body wasn't taking the abuse well.

The Colonel's voice—his words had caught her off guard. '_Was I really stupid enough to hope that she was going to tell me that she loves me too?_' The moment she heard those words something happened. For most people, hearing someone they care about say 'I love you' was something wonderful…but for Riza, it was a knife through the heart. It was even more painful to know that he cared…because neither could act on their feelings. Unexpectedly, a new emotion began rising up into her throat…it was anger. Not just at herself…but at Mustang as well. '_How could he do this to me? He was intentionally making me relive those memories just so he could try to get me to say it first. That _bastard_! If he actually loved me, he'd realize that neither of us could act on these emotions! What the hell was he thinking!_'

"Ma'am?" she heard a voice say. She looked up to see a nurse pushing a cart with food on it. Her stomach growled silently. "Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need a doctor?"

She shook her head, "No, I'll be all right." She got off the floor quickly, but her stomach gave her an internal kick. Riza felt horrible, but she refused to show it. The nurse looked at her doubtfully—she could see the deep lines under the Lieutenant's eyes. '_You can't give help to those that don't want it'_ she reminded herself, _'…at least not until their unconscious…_' The nurse began to push her cart into Colonel Mustang's room but the Lieutenant stopped her. "Is that Colonel Mustang's lunch?" she asked

"Yes it is."

"I'll take it to him." Riza replied taking the plate from nurse's cart and marching into the room. She said nothing as she put the plate of food down on a tray in front of her commanding officer. He looked at her with surprise. She'd only been gone for a few minutes and he was surprised that she came back after what they'd said to each other…silently he wondered if she heard his remark. Roy looked blankly at his food. When he didn't start eating immediately Riza took command. "Eat." She said with more force than she intended. He look looked at her questionably. "Damn, do I have to feed you?" she said as she pulled a chair up to his bedside and grabbed the fork.

"No, Lieutenant. I'm sure I can manage on my own." He replied as he took the fork back from her. On any normal day he would have played stupid just so that she would feed him…but today he was afraid that she was liable to shove the fork halfway down his throat. He looked down at his plate once more. He wasn't really sure why the hospital called this junk 'food'. It certainly didn't look like any food he'd ever seen before. There were some orange noodles mixed with some sort of pink meat, he wrapped a few noodles around his fork and sniffed at the concoction. It smelled all right. He took a bite. It wasn't so bad…but he was sure a frozen TV dinner would taste like a gourmet meal compared to this mixture. He watched Hawkeye from the corner of his eye. Her breathing sounded strange and she looked very pale. He gathered a bit of courage and said, "Are you all right Lieutenant? You look a little pale…"

"I'm fine." She responded shortly. She didn't want to be mean to him, but she couldn't help but still feel a little angry…she still couldn't get past the fact that he loved her—'_What was he thinking_?'

"Why don't you take a break and get something to eat? I think you could use a pick-me-up."

She looked at him sternly, "I don't need anything. I'm not hungry." In all actuality she wasn't hungry. She hadn't eaten in so long she was far past hunger.

"Well at least have a drink of water…" he continued to urge her.

"No. I'm fine." She said, firmly putting up a wall. A drink actually did sound really good…her lips felt dry and cracked and her mouth was dry. She tried to lick her lips, but there wasn't enough moisture on her tongue. Mustang started eating again. He tried to seem really interested in his food so he didn't have to look at her. He couldn't imagine what he should say, but he still felt as if something still needed to be said.

Riza watched her commanding officer eat…but his form seemed to waver slightly. She shook her head softly in hopes of clearing her mind. The motion only made it worse, it felt as if something was loose inside her head and it took a dipping spin when she moved. Her breathing became erratic again.

Roy continued to look at his food, but he finally got up enough nerve to say something. "Lieutenant, I…I just wanted—"

She cut him off, "Just wanted an answer?" he looked at her stunned…he'd really just wanted to say he was sorry, but her outburst silenced him. She continued "I've given you my life, my loyalty and my _heart_! Isn't it enough! I only asked to keep this one reason to myself and you can't even give me that!" Her heart caught her confession and clenched with embarrassment…_'I just told him everything_…' one side of her desperately wanted to try to salvage her pride, but her mouth just wouldn't stop. She suddenly stood up from her chair and the chair overturned, "You wonder why I can't tell you 'I love you too'? It's because I _don't_ love you! I _hate_ you! I hate everything about you. I hate that you always call me _Lieutenant_. I hate that you never notice when I walk in the room. I hate the way you break my heart every time you go out with other women! I hate you because you break my heart every time you _look_ at me. I hate the way I can smell your cologne when I stand next to you. I hate the way you look at me with that arrogant little smile. I hate the way your eyes burn holes in me when you look at me and most of all I hate you because _I'm not allowed to love you_!" she gasped in what little breath she could. Her head was swimming with her proclamations. Black shadows threatened to overcome the corners of her eyes as she stared at him, stunned. She felt as if all the blood had suddenly drained out of her. Roy opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, her vision blacked out and she fell to the floor in an unconscious lump.

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Mwhahahaha! Yes, I am evil enough to just leave you on this kind of cliffy ;) You all should have seen my friend's face when I let her read it. Her exact response was "OMG! THAT IS AMAZING! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG." lol when I told her that the ending I've got in mind was even more "OMG!" she got quite annoyed when I wouldn't tell her what is/would happen ;). Please review, flame if you like...review make my day :)  



	7. Wakeup Call

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Author's note: lol I had so much fun writing the end of this chapter…sighs I love scandal ;)

Heart of Flame – She wasn't exactly feeling faint when she shook her head, her vision was mostly blurring, it wasn't until she shook her head that she felt like she was going to faint.

errr – The manga is fantastic! …especially if you like Royai. There are lots of fun little tidbits…especially when Barry the Chopper appears on the scene ;) (I've got a link to read the manga online if you need it)

I'm glad to see everyone seems to be enjoying the story, well here's the next chapter…

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Chapter 7 – Wake-Up Call

Riza blinked her eyes painfully in the fluorescent light. '_What hit me_?' she thought dizzily. She was lying on her back in a hospital room…but she didn't remember lying down. Riza tried feebly to sit up, but the moment she moved her stomach jumped and she dropped back down to the soft pillows. She tried to take in her surroundings but what she was seeing didn't make any sense. She was hooked up to an IV and she was no longer in her military uniform, but in a hospital gown. None of it seemed to register with her at first. 'I'm not in the hospital…that's where Mustang is—Mustang…where's Mustang?' She tried to sit up, but still she was unable. She looked down at her arm and noticed how itchy the IV felt under her skin. She started to remove it but a familiar voice stopped her, "Don't touch it."

She turned her head toward the voice, it was Mustang. Somehow she hadn't noticed him there. She was stunned, the past rushed back to her, she'd passed out and now she was lying in the hospital bed next to Mustang's. She tried to open her mouth to speak, to ask what had happened, but he answered her before she could form the question. "You passed out." He explained quietly. He sounded as if he was afraid she'd start yelling at him. "The doctors said that you were severely dehydrated…the IV is supposed to give you fluids." The room grew quiet. There were so many things she wanted to ask him…all those things she'd said to him, she really wasn't sure if she'd actually said any of them at all. '_Maybe I was just hallucinating…Oh, God I hope I was_.' Riza realized the consequences of her actions. If she really _had_ said all those things to him then things would change between them forever…he'd probably find a way to get her transferred. Just the thought made her cringe…the thought of never getting to see that annoying smirk on his face again…the thought that his eyes would never burn holes in her. She'd told him that she'd hated all those things about him…but it wasn't totally true…she hated those things about him…they infuriated her, but somehow it was those little things about him that just made her care more—oh it was too confusing. She loved him more than she wanted to admit, but her anger had got the best of her._ 'How do you tell someone you're **supposed** to keep at arm's length that you go too close?' _Her original thoughts echoed in her head once more '_...Well not by telling them you hate them' _she responded to herself. Riza glanced in his direction. He wasn't looking at her…she didn't blame him. _'If he would have said that stuff to me I'd never look at him again either. On top of that I probably looked ridiculous fainting like that.'_

In actuality, he felt guilty…Roy couldn't bear to look at her when he knew it was his fault that she was there. 'If it hadn't been for me…she would have eaten and wouldn't have practically starved herself…if it hadn't been for me she wouldn't have had to stand watch all night. If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't be in the hospital right now.' There were so many things he needed to say to her…but he just couldn't seem to find a decent starting point. The silence in the room soon became too much for him to bear. "D-do you want me to call the nurse to get you something to eat?" he asked clumsily. Clumsy wasn't his style, far from it in fact. With any other woman he was suave, calm, collected…completely on top of things. All he had to do was flash his trademark smirk and they all melted. It was never that way with Riza. She was too strict and soldier-like to fall for a simple wink and grin. Maybe that was one of the reasons he'd found her so tempting…she was the one he couldn't get.

Hawkeye nodded slowly to his question—she couldn't make her mouth work…_'I'd happily never eat again if I never had to face Roy again_.'

"Nurse! Nurse!" He shouted, his voice was a little hoarse from whispering, "She's awake!" Moments later the nurse that Hawkeye had talked to earlier strolled in with a large plate of food. She sat the food down on a movable tray and placed them in front of Hawkeye.

"I knew there was something wrong with you earlier when I saw you sitting out in the hall." The nurse started. "I said to myself, 'Nancy, that girl is deathly ill and you should tell someone!' It's just too bad you wouldn't take my help sweetie." Hawkeye inwardly groaned…this woman was apparently a talker. "Well as soon as you walked in here honey I knew, I just _knew_ you'd fai-"

"-Don't you have somewhere to be?" Roy interrupted.

The nurse looked a little stunned, "Well, I've got a few rounds, but-"

"-then why don't you get to that?" He said, trying to urge her to leave.

The nurse looked indignant, "Now, I was ordered to make sure this lady ate all of this and I'm not leaving unti-"

"Leave! I'll make sure she eats it all." Roy said, he was beginning to get quite rude. It was bad enough that he and Hawkeye had had that falling out, but now this irritating waitress-turned-nurse was going to talk them both to death.

"Well I never-"

"Well now you have!" he said. "Go on, LEAVE."

The nurse pursed her lips angrily, "No! I work here and I have every right to go and be where ever I want!"

Roy's eyes narrowed and then suddenly his face relaxed, "You right." He said, seemingly agreeing with her. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have been rude to you—especially not to such a beautiful woman as yourself."

The nurse became slightly flustered, it was clear she wasn't often agreed with, let alone told that she was beautiful…not that she was ugly or anything…she was just plain. "Oh, well. I supposed I was being a bit rude myself…" Roy flashed her his trademark smirk and the nurse couldn't help but blush.

"Ma'am, please forgive me for my rudeness, but it's just that the woman you're serving is my wife and well we haven't seen each other alone for a while if you know what I mean." It was a good thing that the nurse's back was to Riza because Riza almost fainted again. 'His WIFE! What kind of idiot would believe we were married?'

"…excuse me sir?" the nurse obviously not getting what he was trying to say.

"You see, just before all this business…we were having a little spat and well I think we'd like to make up—in private if you know what I mean…" Roy said, in a very suggestive tone.

"…make up…after a…fight…" nurse mumbled under her breath, apparently trying to put 2 and 2 together. "Oh!" she said, blushing suddenly as she finally realized what he meant. The nurse hurried out of the room. "I'll make sure to lock the door on my way out…oh and don't forget to make her eat…after you're done…m-making up.."

The door slammed matter-of-factly, the pair could clearly hear the lock click into place. Riza looked at her superior, stunned. "You bastard! You made her think that we were going to screw around after she left!" Riza tried in vain to throw one of her pillows at him, but she was still too weak and couldn't do more than loosen the pillow from behind her head.

"Damn it, I had to tell her something to get rid of her! Me and you have some issues to work out and I'm sure as hell not going to talk out our problems in front of some nosey nurse!" Roy replied angrily…sure it hadn't been the perfect solution to the nurse problem, but just telling that nurse to leave sure wasn't working and the "make-up sex" plan was the next best bet.

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I've got exams on Thursday so I might not update for a few days.


	8. Makeup Sex

My Reasons

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

A/N: The title's just for fun people…there really isn't any sex in this chapter…you should all know that I don't usually write lemons ;) . Here's another fun tidbit about the author: I absolutely hate the written word "I love you" I just feel like it's so…insincere—even in a story. I know it's strange, but for some reason I just can't stand it, it always feels forced to me. Oh well, now you all know why I very rarely type "I love you" in my stories. ...I hope Roy isn't too out of character.

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Chapter 8 – Make-up Sex

"Damn you." She said simply. In her pathetic attempts to throw her pillow, the pillow had loosened from beneath her head and it fell to the floor. '_Great_.' She thought sarcastically, '_Not only do I get to spend who knows how long in a room with the man I just confessed my feelings to, but now I don't even have a pillow to rest my head on. Today couldn't get any worse_.'

"Look, I know we're not on the best of terms right now but I've got a few things to say to you and I expect you to listen for once." Roy replied. His tone wasn't angry exactly…it was more of a stern tone, almost like he was trying to instruct a class. Riza couldn't help but cock an eyebrow at him. He sat up on one elbow to look at her…she looked so annoyed without the pillow to prop her up. He sighed quietly and moved his legs over to the side of the bed. He winced in pain as he stood up, and Hawkeye took notice. Out of habit she tried to help him…but she didn't get very far because she still couldn't sit up. "Colonel…what—"

"I'm getting your pillow—do you really want to lie like that until the nurse gets back?" He said as he bent down and picked up her pillow. His side ached horribly…but it paled in comparison to the pain in his heart. Those things she'd said to him…they were straight from her heart…and it hurt to realize how horribly she'd misinterpreted his actions. He tried to lift her head up and put the pillow under her head without getting too close, but he couldn't because being too far away was making him off balance. He inched a little closer and lifted her head up as if it were porcelain. His scent drifted into her nose involuntarily. She couldn't help but notice a slightly medicinal smell mixed with his usual cologne. "There you go." He said—he was panting. It hadn't been much of an exertion, but after lying in a bed for a few weeks he didn't have much energy. He was tired and couldn't make it back to his bed in time so he settled for sitting on the edge of her bed. It was a little more than too close for comfort, but he was just too tired to walk back to his own bed. Roy looked at his subordinate…her face was flushed and small beads of sweat had appeared close to her hairline…oh how he wished that he could wipe it away and hold her until all this horrible nonsense went away. A few days ago Roy would have welcomed any change with his relationship with Riza…but now he all he wanted was to go back to the way things were. There was nothing that would erase these past few hours…but he was sure there were a few things he could say to make them less painful later.

"Lieu-Haw-R-Riza" he started…_'Great I'm screwing it up already_.' "I'm sorry…when you came back in earlier; I just wanted to say I was sorry. I didn't realize that those memories would be so painful for you…"

"Of course they were painful…when Hughes died—you weren't the only one that was hurting…" she responded.

"Please don't interrupt me…I've been thinking about this for the past few hours while you were unconscious and if I don't say this now I may never say it." He waited a moment to make sure she wouldn't try to interrupt him again, and when it seemed safe, he continued, "You said you hated the way I always called you 'Lieutenant'…I'm sorry about that too. I…It-it just hurt too much to try to talk to you on a first name bases…it was just an easier way to keep you at arms length, I'm sorry. You said you hated the way I never noticed when you walked in the room…well to tell you the truth, you couldn't have been more wrong. I noticed, not only when you walked in the room, but every time you blinked…most of the time I was trying not to stare—I figured if you caught me ogling you, you'd come after me with a rifle." he forced himself to chuckled at a bit at his last comment, in hopes of lightening the mood…his tactic failed miserably, the room was just as tense as before. Nervously he cleared his throat, "You also said you hated the way I went out with other women…" this topic was one that made him the most nervous. "Can you blame me? I tried to use them to get my mind off you…its just too bad it never worked. I-I guess I just thought if I found the right one, I would just be able to forget about you…I'm sorry…" his last remark didn't come out quite the way he'd planned…_'Damn it, why do I always screw up when I'm around her? She's the only one I can't think straight around_.' The silence grew louder around him, '_Why did I have to tell her not to interrupt me? This silence is killing me…_' he continued "You said you hated the way I look at you…I'm sorry about that too…" he finished as he looked into her copper colored eyes. Silence enclosed the room for several minutes. "Well?" he asked tentatively. "Aren't you going to say something?"

Riza's eyebrows jumped, "Oh, I didn't realize you were done…" This entire ordeal was completely awkward.

"Yeah…I'm done…" he said, looking at the food the nurse had brought in for her. '_Dead is more like it…_'

"I'm sorry…for the things I said." Riza replied. The comment confused Roy…in his opinion she'd been clearly within her rights… "I-I guess I was just being a bit delusional from the dehydration…"

"About that," he said, as he picked up her knife and fork and began cutting her food. A wave of guilt washing over him. "I'm sorry—it's my fault you're here…if it hadn't been for me—"

"No! Colonel, it wasn't your fault…if I'd never suggested that we split up in the 3rd laboratory none of us would be here…and Havoc would still be able to walk…"

Roy was stunned…_'she feels guilty about that_?' "Riza…that stuff that happened in the 3rd Laboratory…you don't really blame yourself do you? I mean, you know that none of it could have been avoided…"

"It could have been," she insisted. "My purpose is to protect you, and I let my guard down. If I'd went with you instead then—" he interrupted her but forcing a piece of food in her mouth.

"Then what Riza? Then you could have possibly been killed…you know just as well as I do that bullets wouldn't have done anything…you can't possibly blame yourself. Is that what's been bothering you these past few weeks?" he asked amazed. Riza could only nod because she was still chewing. Roy smiled slightly, "Well at least I'm not the only one that felt guilty for their actions that day." Riza looked at him questionably. He started to explain, "I really shouldn't have yelled you like that…its just the thought that you would have just let yourself die—it-it scared me. I realized that I might have lost you if I hadn't shown up…"

'_He really does care for me…_' Riza's mind concluded as she swallowed. The thought was a strange one. On one hand she felt her heart leap toward her throat in happiness, only to be ripped apart moments later by the realization that no matter what, they'd never be able to be together.

"Roy…why are we doing this to each other?"

He pushed another piece of food in her mouth and this time she didn't fight him as much. "Do what?"

She chewed for a moment and swallowed hard. "Telling each other this?"

He shrugged, "I guess we both had a little that we needed to get off our chests." He fed her again. They continued the cycle of feeding and chewing for a few more minutes until she felt like she couldn't eat anymore. She waved his hand away when he tried to feed her again. "No more. This hospital food all tastes like paste."

"You need to eat. That's the reason you got in this mess to start with."

"No, Barry was the reason I got into this to start with. If it hadn't been for him we would have never ended up in the 3rd laboratory at all." She said stubbornly.

"Fine, no more food." He said giving in to her. He sighed and decided to head over to his bed. He glanced at his bed from where he sat, "Who knew five feet could seem like such a long walk?" He looked back to Riza, silently pleading in his mind. He'd spent so much time keeping her at arms length…all he wanted now was to be near her…his entire body ached to hold her.

She looked over at his bed as well. After a moment she looked back at her commanding officer. There were lines beneath his eyes and this entire day seemed to have used more out of both of them than they'd realized at first. She looked at him a moment longer…her arms ached to hold him…to tell him that things would get better for them. She gave into her urges—'_He's too tired to make it back anyway…besides, if he collapses I'll never be able to lift him off the floor'_. "You're right, it is a long walk." She said as she pulled her covers down a bit. Luckily he took the subtle hint. He moved the food tray off the bed and slowly climbed in next to his subordinate. He wrapped his arms around her and she laid her head against his chest. His heart beat rang out strong and clear. With every beat it reassured her that he would be there, day after day, beat after beat. His heart synchronized with her thoughts, '_He's my purpose, my reason, my everything._' His arms embraced her, warm and inviting. She finally wrapped her arms around him and they laid there. '_This will never last' _she thought solemnly,_ 'The military will never allow us to be together…at least not until he gets to power._'

'_Usually this is the part in the story that the two characters tell each other that they'll love each other forever…_' Roy thought randomly. There would be time for that later…right now, all he wanted to do was hold her.

After a little while Roy spoke up, "What do you think the nurse is going to think if she comes in and finds us in the same bed?"

Riza looked up at him, "She's going to think exactly what you made her think—that we had make-up sex."

"Oh, you're right…in that case, solely for the sake of appearances, maybe we should be naked." A gun cocked next to his head.

"Don't push your luck, Colonel."

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I couldn't help but add in the last part...yeah it's not quite as mushy as the rest of this chapter, but I figured I could pop Roy and Riza back in character with it, and let everyone leave with a little smile. I hope you enjoyed this fic...I know I did. Yes, this is the final chapter and I won't be updating it anymore. It will now be filed under 'completed' in my book. Please comment and/or flame, I'm not really particular...it makes my day. :)  



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